New year, New me bullshit

Every year on January 1st everyone makes new resolutions.  This year I am going to do this and going to do that.  By February (if you make it that far) you are still working on your resolutions but not as hard as you were in January.  By March you are sitting on the couch binge watching Netflix.

One of my things I wanted to do better this year was blog more.  Well since today is 4th and this is my first post of the year, I can already say I have failed!  So that is my first resolution failed.

I wanted to update my Etsy website and make start promoting what I have made.  But lets say number 2 resolution failed.

Everyday I get out of the shower and think "damn I need to lose weight.  I really need to tone up my body."  Instead of reaching for the water bottle I reach for a Dr. Pepper can.  SO yep another resolution failed.

I also wanted to work on Fight Like Dottie Benefit Group's facebook page (an organization I am involved in) on a daily basis.  Guess what I haven't done yet.

But instead of concentrating on what I haven't worked on and make myself feel bad because of it.  Instead I just have to remind myself every morning to get off my ass do something.... anything.

So now that I wrote this blog (gold star for adulting something today) now I am going to eat a frozen pizza before I have to go to work.

Thank you for reading!
Shawnda Rae

Today I cried

Today I cried ......... a lot. I haven't been happy in awhile.  I smile and pretend I am because it is just easier.  I go to work and listen to everyone else's problems and find myself tuning them out because I start thinking about mine.

I woke up this morning and did my usual routine:  finally get my ass out of bed because the dogs need taken out.  Take care of the dogs (let them out to pee and give them food and water).  Finally able to go to the bathroom so I can pee.  Just sit down and have the dogs bark to let me know they want in.  Bring them in and have them run around like they lost their damn minds!  Finally get them calmed down so I can sit down and figure what I want to do today.

Today I sat down and decided to finish watching Gilmore Girls A year In The Life.  And as I watched this I was dealing with dogs trying to sit on my lap to be petted or wanting to lick my face because I was crying.  And man did I cry!  I cried for Rory when she had to end it with Logan.  I cried for Luke when he thought Lorelai was going to leave him.  I cried for Jess when he looked at Rory thru the living room window.  But I especially cried when Lorelai watched the musical and the lady sang "Oh I am not unbreakable.  I am breaking right now.  Maybe everyone can't have the dream.  Maybe everyone can't kiss the frog.  Maybe it'll be me and a dog. "  "Oh I am not unbreakable.  I am breaking right now.  I need to be unbreakable.  Somehow.  It's never or now."

As I listened to the song I cried.  I cried for myself.  I cried because when she said "maybe it'll be me and a dog", I looked around and saw the one dog trying to sit on my lap, another dog playing a golf ball in the living room, and another one whining because he is in another room and can't be in the living room (my little female dog is in heat and I have to keep the 2 separated).  As she said those words and looked around my only thought was "Shit.  That is me now."  So I cried even more.  Which in turns meant the dogs tried to sit on me and lick my tears away, which made me cry harder (want to talk about a viscous cycle).

My plan in life and how my life turned out ...... well lets say they did not match in anyway.   I always have great ideas and I want to do so much but nothing ever turns out like I thought it would and then I start getting stressed and then that turns into depression which leads to me just not wanting to even follow through with the idea.  My problem is I am a dreamer.  I can always come up with an idea but that is as far as it goes.

Take this blog for an example.  I was just scrolling though Pintrest (because hey who doesn't love Pintrest!) and I saw on these articles about people making money and able to stay at home just from blogging!  And I thought "I COULD DO THAT!!" .  Yeah failing at that.  Every time I sit down to write I can't think of anything.  I even started carrying a notebook in my purse so that way if I ever have an idea for a blog topic I could write it down.  Genius right!  WRONG!!  Because I have topics and have little bits for a blog but when I comes down to ACTUALLY typing something up my mind goes blank!  Which is funny because my mind never shuts down until I put a keyboard in front of me.... then POOF nothing.

So today I cried.  I cried because I am angry at myself for not being the person I thought I would always be.  I cried because I always thought there would be more to my life then what there is.  I cried because I can only be strong for so long before I break.  And it's okay that I cried.  It's okay that I feel sorry for myself.  The reason it is okay is because just because I cried today doesn't mean I will cry everyday.  It doesn't mean I will feel sorry for myself everyday.  It does not mean this is how I will continue to live my life.  It just means today was a bad day and tomorrow I will get up and I will deal with the dogs and I will sit down and make another list of things I want to get done.  Tomorrow is a new day and tomorrow I may cry and that is okay too.  Just as long as I keep going and I keep trying.


Shawnda Rae

Not Productive

Every morning I wake up and make a to-do list in my head.  Every morning I wake up thinking I am going to be productive and take on the world.  Then my day starts....

My morning routine:
Go make sure the girl dogs ropes are not tangled up out back.
Go pee.
Check the mail.
Take the male dog outside and put him on his rope.
Take the girl dogs outside (make sure they have food and water)
Start a load of laundry.
Grab something to drink.
Go sit outside with the male dog (who is probably been barking for five minutes now because he has really bad separation anxiety and can not be by himself for more then thirty seconds before he starts flipping his shit).
Spend time with him outside.
Come inside and start losing it because now the male dog is running around the house like he is on crack.
AND then I get to start my day.

My big plans are to mow the yard, scrub the kitchen, work on this blog, make two more new necklace pendants, work on another vinyl clock, and make sure all my websites are up to date.  Endless to say it does not happen.

Today I did get a blog post done (since you are reading this we all know I wrote one today).   I can not guarantee what I am going to work on after this but I have to remember I have the attention span of a squirrel on caffeine so anything I get accomplished is a big deal!

Maybe tomorrow I will I detail out what is like when I try to clean the house!!  Or maybe I will work on new necklace pendants since I bought my glass tiles from Amazon three months ago and I have not done anything with them yet. Who knows what my tomorrow has in store for me.  Heck who knows what the rest of this afternoon has in store but what I do know is I will do at least one thing productive.

Oh and while working on this blog my male dog decided he needed to be petted at that exact moment. Have you ever tried typing with one hand??  

Spontaneous Women

I have started this post five times now.  Every time I get three sentences into it I reread it and think  "man that's a load of crap" and delete it.  I want to tell you how spontaneous women make the best girlfriends/wives.  I want to tell you how these women dare to dream and will keep life interesting.  These women will jump from subject to subject without batting an eye.  They have so much energy and so much they want to share.

Let them explore the world even if it is just in books.  Let them live life to the fullest don't keep them locked away.  Let her go out with her girlfriends for the night.  Let her go listen to a band and dance and laugh.  Let her enjoy life.   Because when she comes home to you she will curl up to you and tell you all about her night.  She will have a sparkle in her eyes that will last for days.  

When she wants to take a drive at 2 am to look at the stars, take her.  Watch the sparkle in her eyes as she just looks up and enjoys the view.  When she wants to go to the book store just to look around, take her.  Stand a few rows away and watch her get lost in all the isles.  

Don't stop her from being spontaneous.  Don't let the sparkle die out of her eyes.  Because once she loses that sparkle she loses a part of herself.  

It's a juggling act

Every day I get up and have plans on conquering the world.  Something's happen between when I wake up and when I go to bed cause I have yet to conquer the world! LOL :)   This past month I have taken on more responsibilities at work which has made my daily to-do list grow longer and longer. There have been days lately which I want to yell and just give up.  I want to put my leggings and plant myself on the couch with a half-gallon of ice cream...  But then I look around the house and realize that yes I might be struggling to keep up but atleast I am not giving up!

So since my list seems overwhelming right now I have decided to break the list up.  Instead of one HUGE list I broke it up by if it was at work or at home.  And my home list is broken down by rooms.  Now it seems manageable :) 

So tomorrow morning I will wake up and try this juggling act between my outside job, my job that I do from my house, my kids, and my sanity.  And tomorrow night when I go to bed I will count my blessings on what I was able to accomplish.  I will not make myself feel like a loser for all the things still on my list because I have to remind myself that I tried.  And in reality that is all that counts!


Thank you for reading this :)
Shawnda Rae

Sunday night ughhhhh !

Where did the weekend go?!?!?!?! Here it is Sunday at 6 pm and I feel like I haven't done anything productive all weekend. It's not like I sat around all weekend and at bon bons. Okay I did sit around a lot on Saturday but I had a good reason I swear! Saturday morning, after only having less then 3 hours of sleep, I picked up my kids from their dad's. Okay picked up 2 out of the 3 cause my middle daughter had a school event. Then ran all around town errands until it was time to pick up the middle one. Then had the middle one and my son (youngest had sleepovers to go to). By the time I dropped them off I felt like I had put in a full days work at two jobs and it was only 3:30! So I took the rest of the day and spent it with my oldest daughter. We watch movies and tv shows that she liked all night. Then we went and got some ice cream and watched more movies. Its been awhile since my oldest and I have had the day together so I said "screw the to do list" for the day. So now I am doubling up on my "to do list" chores today.

  I am NOT Susie homemaker WHATS SO EVER! But I love Pintrest. So tonight I am trying to make Golden Pork Chops. Key word TRYING. Right now the pork chops are in the oven and the rice is on the stove. While all that is happening I have been doing the dishes, painting my oldest's fingernails, on the phone with work, and trying to get some laundry done. Oh oh oh and working on this blog :) Even though I am running around this house trying to get stuff done and spend time with the kids I know I am not going to complete my list for the day but sometimes you just need time with your kids.

  Thank you for reading :)
Shawnda Rae

Not perfect

I set up this blog to post all the non-perfect events I come across. After I set it up it took me over a week before I even tried to write something. Why you may ask. Good question! I wanted my first one to be PERFECT. For thousands to read and go WOW! After a week of sitting with the lap top in front of me trying to find something to talk about it was like a light bulb went off *ding*. The whole reason I am writing is to show everyone (or at least the one or two people who might happen to read this) that you don't have to be perfect...... you just have to try.

  So speaking of reality checks......here I sit still in my pj's with the computer in my lap and my ever growing to-do list sitting next to me. All I can think is how much I need to do and it is never enough time to get it all done. Ever feel like no matter how much you try it is never enough? I know I do. For me no matter how hard I work around the house, or how hard I work at my job, or how much I do for my kids..... I feel like I could still have done more. If I didn't take my shower that day I could have rearranged my kitchen cabinets. Or if I didn't sit down to eat lunch I could have scrubbed out my fridge. But in reality I needed to take that shower and I needed to eat lunch. So I have to have the reality check that it may all never get 100 percent completed but sooner or later my ever growing to-do list will be completed.

  I have never been one to put make-up on and make sure my hair is in the latest fashion style. But recently I realized I need to stop being "a hot mess" and take the time to make sure I look nice. So on my daily to-do list I make sure I put "do hair and make-up". I may not always look perfect and I will probably still look like a hot mess every once in awhile.... but at least I am trying. And in reality that's all I can ask myself to do. If I keep trying then at least I am better then I was this time last year or even last month. This is what I am encouraging everyone who reads this : No matter how long your to-do list is or how much of a hot mess you are please remember you are NOT perfect! But as long as you are trying that is all that counts.

Thank you for reading this :)
Shawnda Rae