Today I cried

Today I cried ......... a lot. I haven't been happy in awhile.  I smile and pretend I am because it is just easier.  I go to work and listen to everyone else's problems and find myself tuning them out because I start thinking about mine.

I woke up this morning and did my usual routine:  finally get my ass out of bed because the dogs need taken out.  Take care of the dogs (let them out to pee and give them food and water).  Finally able to go to the bathroom so I can pee.  Just sit down and have the dogs bark to let me know they want in.  Bring them in and have them run around like they lost their damn minds!  Finally get them calmed down so I can sit down and figure what I want to do today.

Today I sat down and decided to finish watching Gilmore Girls A year In The Life.  And as I watched this I was dealing with dogs trying to sit on my lap to be petted or wanting to lick my face because I was crying.  And man did I cry!  I cried for Rory when she had to end it with Logan.  I cried for Luke when he thought Lorelai was going to leave him.  I cried for Jess when he looked at Rory thru the living room window.  But I especially cried when Lorelai watched the musical and the lady sang "Oh I am not unbreakable.  I am breaking right now.  Maybe everyone can't have the dream.  Maybe everyone can't kiss the frog.  Maybe it'll be me and a dog. "  "Oh I am not unbreakable.  I am breaking right now.  I need to be unbreakable.  Somehow.  It's never or now."

As I listened to the song I cried.  I cried for myself.  I cried because when she said "maybe it'll be me and a dog", I looked around and saw the one dog trying to sit on my lap, another dog playing a golf ball in the living room, and another one whining because he is in another room and can't be in the living room (my little female dog is in heat and I have to keep the 2 separated).  As she said those words and looked around my only thought was "Shit.  That is me now."  So I cried even more.  Which in turns meant the dogs tried to sit on me and lick my tears away, which made me cry harder (want to talk about a viscous cycle).

My plan in life and how my life turned out ...... well lets say they did not match in anyway.   I always have great ideas and I want to do so much but nothing ever turns out like I thought it would and then I start getting stressed and then that turns into depression which leads to me just not wanting to even follow through with the idea.  My problem is I am a dreamer.  I can always come up with an idea but that is as far as it goes.

Take this blog for an example.  I was just scrolling though Pintrest (because hey who doesn't love Pintrest!) and I saw on these articles about people making money and able to stay at home just from blogging!  And I thought "I COULD DO THAT!!" .  Yeah failing at that.  Every time I sit down to write I can't think of anything.  I even started carrying a notebook in my purse so that way if I ever have an idea for a blog topic I could write it down.  Genius right!  WRONG!!  Because I have topics and have little bits for a blog but when I comes down to ACTUALLY typing something up my mind goes blank!  Which is funny because my mind never shuts down until I put a keyboard in front of me.... then POOF nothing.

So today I cried.  I cried because I am angry at myself for not being the person I thought I would always be.  I cried because I always thought there would be more to my life then what there is.  I cried because I can only be strong for so long before I break.  And it's okay that I cried.  It's okay that I feel sorry for myself.  The reason it is okay is because just because I cried today doesn't mean I will cry everyday.  It doesn't mean I will feel sorry for myself everyday.  It does not mean this is how I will continue to live my life.  It just means today was a bad day and tomorrow I will get up and I will deal with the dogs and I will sit down and make another list of things I want to get done.  Tomorrow is a new day and tomorrow I may cry and that is okay too.  Just as long as I keep going and I keep trying.


Shawnda Rae

Not Productive

Every morning I wake up and make a to-do list in my head.  Every morning I wake up thinking I am going to be productive and take on the world.  Then my day starts....

My morning routine:
Go make sure the girl dogs ropes are not tangled up out back.
Go pee.
Check the mail.
Take the male dog outside and put him on his rope.
Take the girl dogs outside (make sure they have food and water)
Start a load of laundry.
Grab something to drink.
Go sit outside with the male dog (who is probably been barking for five minutes now because he has really bad separation anxiety and can not be by himself for more then thirty seconds before he starts flipping his shit).
Spend time with him outside.
Come inside and start losing it because now the male dog is running around the house like he is on crack.
AND then I get to start my day.

My big plans are to mow the yard, scrub the kitchen, work on this blog, make two more new necklace pendants, work on another vinyl clock, and make sure all my websites are up to date.  Endless to say it does not happen.

Today I did get a blog post done (since you are reading this we all know I wrote one today).   I can not guarantee what I am going to work on after this but I have to remember I have the attention span of a squirrel on caffeine so anything I get accomplished is a big deal!

Maybe tomorrow I will I detail out what is like when I try to clean the house!!  Or maybe I will work on new necklace pendants since I bought my glass tiles from Amazon three months ago and I have not done anything with them yet. Who knows what my tomorrow has in store for me.  Heck who knows what the rest of this afternoon has in store but what I do know is I will do at least one thing productive.

Oh and while working on this blog my male dog decided he needed to be petted at that exact moment. Have you ever tried typing with one hand??  

Spontaneous Women

I have started this post five times now.  Every time I get three sentences into it I reread it and think  "man that's a load of crap" and delete it.  I want to tell you how spontaneous women make the best girlfriends/wives.  I want to tell you how these women dare to dream and will keep life interesting.  These women will jump from subject to subject without batting an eye.  They have so much energy and so much they want to share.

Let them explore the world even if it is just in books.  Let them live life to the fullest don't keep them locked away.  Let her go out with her girlfriends for the night.  Let her go listen to a band and dance and laugh.  Let her enjoy life.   Because when she comes home to you she will curl up to you and tell you all about her night.  She will have a sparkle in her eyes that will last for days.  

When she wants to take a drive at 2 am to look at the stars, take her.  Watch the sparkle in her eyes as she just looks up and enjoys the view.  When she wants to go to the book store just to look around, take her.  Stand a few rows away and watch her get lost in all the isles.  

Don't stop her from being spontaneous.  Don't let the sparkle die out of her eyes.  Because once she loses that sparkle she loses a part of herself.