Today I cried ......... a lot. I haven't been happy in awhile. I smile and pretend I am because it is just easier. I go to work and listen to everyone else's problems and find myself tuning them out because I start thinking about mine.
I woke up this morning and did my usual routine: finally get my ass out of bed because the dogs need taken out. Take care of the dogs (let them out to pee and give them food and water). Finally able to go to the bathroom so I can pee. Just sit down and have the dogs bark to let me know they want in. Bring them in and have them run around like they lost their damn minds! Finally get them calmed down so I can sit down and figure what I want to do today.
Today I sat down and decided to finish watching Gilmore Girls A year In The Life. And as I watched this I was dealing with dogs trying to sit on my lap to be petted or wanting to lick my face because I was crying. And man did I cry! I cried for Rory when she had to end it with Logan. I cried for Luke when he thought Lorelai was going to leave him. I cried for Jess when he looked at Rory thru the living room window. But I especially cried when Lorelai watched the musical and the lady sang "Oh I am not unbreakable. I am breaking right now. Maybe everyone can't have the dream. Maybe everyone can't kiss the frog. Maybe it'll be me and a dog. " "Oh I am not unbreakable. I am breaking right now. I need to be unbreakable. Somehow. It's never or now."
As I listened to the song I cried. I cried for myself. I cried because when she said "maybe it'll be me and a dog", I looked around and saw the one dog trying to sit on my lap, another dog playing a golf ball in the living room, and another one whining because he is in another room and can't be in the living room (my little female dog is in heat and I have to keep the 2 separated). As she said those words and looked around my only thought was "Shit. That is me now." So I cried even more. Which in turns meant the dogs tried to sit on me and lick my tears away, which made me cry harder (want to talk about a viscous cycle).
My plan in life and how my life turned out ...... well lets say they did not match in anyway. I always have great ideas and I want to do so much but nothing ever turns out like I thought it would and then I start getting stressed and then that turns into depression which leads to me just not wanting to even follow through with the idea. My problem is I am a dreamer. I can always come up with an idea but that is as far as it goes.
Take this blog for an example. I was just scrolling though Pintrest (because hey who doesn't love Pintrest!) and I saw on these articles about people making money and able to stay at home just from blogging! And I thought "I COULD DO THAT!!" . Yeah failing at that. Every time I sit down to write I can't think of anything. I even started carrying a notebook in my purse so that way if I ever have an idea for a blog topic I could write it down. Genius right! WRONG!! Because I have topics and have little bits for a blog but when I comes down to ACTUALLY typing something up my mind goes blank! Which is funny because my mind never shuts down until I put a keyboard in front of me.... then POOF nothing.
So today I cried. I cried because I am angry at myself for not being the person I thought I would always be. I cried because I always thought there would be more to my life then what there is. I cried because I can only be strong for so long before I break. And it's okay that I cried. It's okay that I feel sorry for myself. The reason it is okay is because just because I cried today doesn't mean I will cry everyday. It doesn't mean I will feel sorry for myself everyday. It does not mean this is how I will continue to live my life. It just means today was a bad day and tomorrow I will get up and I will deal with the dogs and I will sit down and make another list of things I want to get done. Tomorrow is a new day and tomorrow I may cry and that is okay too. Just as long as I keep going and I keep trying.
Shawnda Rae
